Boy oh boy, it’s been a while. It has been over two years since I last truly sat down to write. Don’t know if you knew this or not, but if you never actually sit down to write, the words are actually never going to end up on the page in the first place. Funny how that works. 

The last two years have been jam packed, full of self discovery and growth. I have learned more about myself in the last two years than I have in my entire life. Here’s a quick update on what has happened in the last two years…

• Graduated college, and not from UT…

• Worked in an elementary school for a few months with the greatest teachers

• Started working in ministry

• Began going to counseling

• Stopped working in ministry to work full time at a Community Center

• Dedicated the year of 2023 to Teresa, as cheesy as it sounds, and took a full year working on learning who I am

• Best friend got married & brought my new best friend/little man into the world!!

• Went back to Kenya

• Moved into my own apartment!!

• Surprise, surprise - started working in ministry again, full time

… and here I am sitting and writing while on vacation. There have been thousands of moments in between, full of laughs, tears, joy, new friends, hard moments, bits of anxiety, lots of discomfort, and with that, came tons of growth. There aren’t the right words in the English Dictionary to describe how much I have loved life. There are so many things I have learned that I wish I could shout from the rooftops, because they have provided me so much freedom. That would be EXACTLY what I want for you to experience too.

If I had to bet, if you’re reading this, playing this game of life, you haven’t “figured it out” either. There’s a hurriedness/distraction about life in which everyone is trying to race up the ladder and find the key to _____________; success, wealth, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. You can fill in the blank with whatever that is for you. 

The problem is, we will never “figure it out.” Super comforting, right? NOT… BUT we will continue to learn things and grow along the way. You don’t have to figure it out to find freedom. I have tasted it, and you can too. Every time people tell me that there is no “figuring it out,” the Type A planner and overthinker in me starts to get restless. What do you mean there is no perfect puzzle piece to place that will solve it for me?!? 

Over the last two years, my counselor, mentors in my life, and the close friends I have, have shared some advice, helped me dig deep into my past, and walked alongside me, holding my hand. I would be a completely different person today had it not been for them, so that is what I am going to do with you today… share what has shaped me. Just recently, I got a tattoo that perfectly encompasses what I have learned the past couple years. It is broken into four parts that share what has grounded me to be who I am today.

1. Flowers

2. Vines

3. Yada

4. Rejoice

1. THE FLOWERS

Oftentimes, I have caught myself worrying about every aspect of my life that is outside of my control. It leads to a downward spiral quickly. Post grad life is tough. The world doesn’t talk about this enough. You spend time in college, however long it is for you, surrounded by people 24/7. Then one day, it’s over. For a lot of us, myself included, I was right back in my parent’s house. I spent my days working and my nights reading… rinse and repeat. I started to wonder if anyone my age lived in the suburbs of the city I live in. Don’t get me wrong, I had a few friends here, but there is a harsh reality check from going to living in a house with 40 other girls to living at home with your parents and siblings. The worries rise quickly…

• Will I ever make new friends?

• Does everyone else feel like this too or is it just me?

• Will I be single forever?

• Will I be stuck doing the same thing for the rest of my life?

• Am I in the right place?

• Does it get better than this?

• Where is everyone?

• Does anyone really know me?

• A little more niche: did I make the wrong decision to leave college?

The self doubt takes over really quickly. The anxious spiral begins and makes living day to day life feel like life has been a constant wrong choice. 

In a moment of anxiety, not knowing what career path to choose and what friends to lean in with, I felt as though there was no control, no steadiness, and all options would lead to chaos. I had a mentor of mine sit down with me and make me draw a circle on a piece of paper. Within the circle, I was to put everything that truly was in my control. These were things like how I respond to the situation, the words I choose to use, the habits I engage in regardless of the decision. On the outside of the circle was everything outside of my control. These were things like the other people’s reaction/response, their feelings towards me, etc. There was a whole list of things outside of my control, and it was much larger than the list of things within my control The practical reality of staring at what was outside of my control allowed me to realize that the things I was worrying/anxious about were ALL outside of my control, and who has control of that? God does. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus spends time talking to a crowd of people from so many walks of life. The poor, the meek, the sick, the scared, the anxious, the depressed and countless others are listening to this man speak words that were so countercultural to them at the time. He elevated them in the way that society did not. He addressed exactly what they were walking through. There is no doubt in my mind, many of them experienced the anxiety of things that are far outside of their own control. And then He speaks…

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don’t worry about these things, saying “What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?”

These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

      Matthew 6:30-34

He reminds us that our Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need. The wildflowers are dressed and the crows have food given to them by Him. How much more does He love us, His favorite creation? He is big enough to speak to what we need in a way we can understand. He is present enough to walk with us when we don’t know if we are making the right choice. He holds our hand and picks us up when it is hard to keep going. He can handle it. We don’t have to. The subtle reminder that I am not in control, God is, has allowed me to take some really stressful situations, bring them to God, and take a deep breath. Try the circle exercise. It is humbling and helpful.

There is freedom in reminding ourselves what is really true.

2. THE VINES

John 15:5

I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

I would be nothing if it weren’t for Jesus. Now, more than ever, I have tasted the goodness of God. I have fought to pursue Him when things aren’t sunshine and rainbows. The laughs and the cries alone in the presence of the Lord. I don’t know who said this but I heard someone say that worship begins in your room on Monday mornings. Church on Sunday should be an outpouring of the love for God you have worshiped Him with all the rest of the days of the week. Then Sunday becomes a time to celebrate Him with others in your church community. This used to be a foreign concept to me. If I am honest, I used to think I could put God on the back burner during the week. I would be so depleted by the end of the week and expect that Sunday service would refill my cup back to full. I realized that every Sunday, I felt empty, like I needed to run the race to catch up and be able to see the goodness of God in my life again. Working in ministry the first go-around, I figured since I was working for the church, I was doing the church thing. That should be enough to fill my cup because I was having tons of conversations about Him every day. 

Everyone knows that having a conversation about someone is NOT the same as spending time with them. I could spend hours and hours talking about how much I love my best friend, Madison, or all the things I know about her, but it is not the same as our Pterry’s runs together or the moments we stay up late laughing with one another or the trips to the coffee shop. 

Jesus was inviting me to spend my days with Him. Not just Sundays, but all the days. I had to try. I would wake up really early in the morning, make my coffee, get back in bed, and try to spend time with the Lord BEFORE the rest of my life starts demanding my attention. It became my lifeline. If I didn’t do this, I would feel off and people felt it too. The routine wasn’t perfect, and most of the time, I felt like I was doing it wrong, but I kept showing up. Sometimes, showing up is all we can do. It matters. Just keep showing up.

Soon enough, I was realizing how much the Lord had filled my cup and increased my patience with others or recentered myself to get rid of some of the anxiety the day was bringing up. I could hear the Lord better because I started to understand what He sounded like (thank God for the Bible). Life connected to the vine breeds freedom, it breeds praise, and it breeds contentment even in the discomforts of life. It is so worth it.

There is freedom in intentional time with God.

3. REJOICE

You know the cliche phrase, “Fake it ‘till you make it?” This was the phrase I lived most of my life by. Shackled with anxiety, feeling like I was always 10 steps behind, confused about my future, and lost in who I am, this phrase carried me along… and then it dropped me… flat on my back… 15 times along the way. You know why? Eventually, it’s no longer sustainable. Your close friends, mentors, and people around you will start to see right through it. You have to connect yourself to a stronger lifeline. If you have seen the Pixar movie, Up, you know that Russell and Carl go flying up in a house held by tons of balloons. It works for them, but eventually, those balloons would run out of helium, or what if they pop? The lifeline isn’t sustainable. When our lifeline becomes something permanent, constant, and never-changing, you no longer have to fake it. You don’t have to worry about the balloons popping and being dropped to the ground. You will always have your lifeline and your glimmer of hope. That is who God is. The eternal lifeline. My eternal lifeline. He invites you to have Him be yours too. He asks us to come as we are because He already knows who we are. If that’s stressed & worried, come stressed & worried. If that is angry & disappointed, come angry & disappointed. If that is grateful & happy, come grateful & happy. It becomes much easier to rejoice in the day He has made when we don’t have to waste energy faking how we are doing.

What if we exchanged the phrase, “Fake it ‘till you make it” for “

This is the day the Lord has made. 

We will rejoice and be glad in it.

            Psalm 118:24

What could that do for our heart posture?

For me, it has given me an entirely new outlook on life. There is so much more to rejoice in when you aren’t so caught up in faking who you are. Your eyes see clearer. Suddenly the burden of life gets lighter. If we are totally honest with ourselves, it is not always easy to be honest with our feelings. Society’s norm when someone says, “How are you?” is to immediately respond with, “Good! How are you?” It becomes a reflex for us. Imagine if you asked a stranger, “How are you?” and they respond with “Oh, actually you know what? Life is actually horrible right now. I am super sad, stressed out, and frankly, nothing is going well.” It would be shocking. The reality is, most people really love honesty and vulnerability. The ability to be okay not being okay is tough, but it is freeing. We can rejoice and have hope in what’s to come and have hard things going on at the same time. A great practical next step is to write down three things you are grateful for every day and thank God for those. Even when you think there is nothing to rejoice and be glad in, somehow there are just a few things, even if they are minor. Our gentle God is good about reminding us that we can have hope in Him and find things to rejoice in ALWAYS. 

There is freedom in gratitude.

4. YADA

Little Teresa backstory, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder in the beginning of 2019. I had spent pretty much my ENTIRE life on edge. It didn’t take a lot to send me into full panic mode. I defined myself by my anxiety from the second I was diagnosed. If it was socially acceptable, I would’ve introduced myself this way, “Hi, I’m Teresa, and I have anxiety.” My anxiety journey deserves its own blog post.

I want to start this section by saying, if you have ever experienced chronic anxiety or panic attacks, I want to say, I am so sorry. I wouldn’t wish the feeling on my worst enemy. I get it, I truly do. It can feel at times there is no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope. I thought I had no hope, no successful future. I couldn’t even go to a new restaurant without freaking out. 

But, I have tasted it. I have tasted the freedom from anxiety I desire for everyone who struggles with it.

I tried tons of different medications, but it was putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. I needed to get to the root of the issue, so I decided to try out counseling. I had to go through a few counselors before I found the one I have been with ever since. My counselor has become the biggest part of my life. I am a HUGE counseling advocate. Honestly, she comes up in tons of conversations I have every week. This woman has helped me completely change how I view myself and my anxiety and shift my focus to what I am rooted in. I am no longer Teresa with anxiety. It does not define me. I am just Teresa. Teresa who is learning how to walk with Jesus. Teresa who is made whole. Teresa who is redeemed.

I was sitting in a counseling session wrestling with the idea of peace and a life not shackled by anxiety. I couldn’t fathom a life where I felt a level of peace “that transcends all understanding.”

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The phrase “a peace that transcends all understanding” is used often, and quite frankly, I would get so frustrated by it. How on earth was I supposed to experience peace like this if I couldn’t even tell you the last time I wasn’t anxious? Truly, it made me mad. I figured that Christians walked daily with some sort of overwhelming sense of calm and no feelings of restlessness, anxiety, worry, or fear. Spoiler alert… that isn’t how it works for everyone. Peace is not a one solution for all. It presents itself differently for different people.

I learned for me, the “peace that transcends all understanding” was when I was with other people who allowed me to be fully myself. The people I could be around and not worry about making sure the doors were locked where we were at. The people I could be around and not fear that I was too much. The people I could walk down the street with and not have to look behind me every couple minutes. The people who laughed with my quirkiness, my loud laugh, and my obnoxious sneeze. The people who weren’t annoyed by my countless questions every day. The people who wanted to walk through my mess with me. I had experienced it. I met people who showed me what it means to feel true peace. I had tasted what that peace felt like. It was a relief. All this time, I just figured because that feeling wasn’t what I thought peace was supposed to be, that it wasn’t peace. 

My counselor taught me something that completely changed my point of view. The word, yada, is a Hebrew word. It’s direct translation is “to know,” but not in the same way we use the word to know like when we say we know someone well. It is so much more than this. It is so much deeper than this. It is to know in only the way your heavenly Father knows you. It is being known in such an intimate way that we as humans desire, but are only satisfied with in Christ. It is described so beautifully in Psalm 139.

Psalm 139:1-6

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great to understand.

We experience glimpses of this yada knowing in the people God places in our lives, and that is worthy of all the peace. This one word has been a reminder to me that peace isn’t a one solution for all. Yada, being deeply known, can be my peace. Resting in the Lord’s goodness of those he has placed around me can be my peace. It could be your peace too. It can guide you to pursue fulfilling friendships and contentment in who you are. Community is a God-given desire. You don’t have to ignore that and you don’t have to pretend peace is something that it’s not for you.

There is freedom in community with others.

—

There have been so many things I have learned over the last two years, but I wanted a permanent reminder of God’s goodness in my life, the ways He has stretched me, and the ways I have run towards my heavenly Father. You haven’t walked through all the same experiences as me in life, but there are some universal truths within here that I want to leave you with.

1. There is freedom in reminding ourselves what is true.

2. There is freedom in intentional time with God.

3. There is freedom in gratitude.

4. There is freedom in community with others.

If you have made it this far, thank you for sharing your time with me. I am honored you are reading this and hope you found something you relate with or  can take with you. Until next time… I love you all. 

Teresa Marie<3

Buckle up, get ready, because this is a good one. It’s been a while. Full transparency, I have been trying to battle the newness of the change in my life. After transferring schools and starting a new job, I have reached somewhat of a culture shock feeling because of how insanely different my life looks. My life is seriously the complete opposite of what it used to be. It has been an uphill battle, for sure, but one I am really glad that God has been holding my hand all the way through. I'm also really glad to finally be home. As I talked about in my last blog post, change stinks, and honestly, I hate it. All in all though, I would not trade it for the world, because I am being stretched to grow each and every day. You have to be uncomfortable to grow, and I am sure as heck uncomfortable.

Since being home, I have learned a lot about what loving others well looks like in a practical way. Love is such an interesting concept. We “love” so many different things in this world. Maybe it’s our favorite pair of shoes or jeans. Maybe it’s our favorite restaurant. Maybe it’s our friends. Maybe it’s our family. Maybe it’s our significant other. Maybe it’s all of those things, and then some more. The word gets tossed around so frequently in so many different ways. There is no way we love our favorite snack and our best friend on the same level. All of these things are good to love, but there is a MUCH greater kind of love. There is a type of love that is different, because it doesn’t stem from something that you have done, but something that has been done for you. You also didn’t deserve it, yet it was freely given to you. It’s the love that stems from knowing Jesus. It’s the agape type of love that I talked about in my last blog post. Jesus’ love is incomprehensible. I mean he was perfect. He lived a completely perfect life, free from sin. He did no wrong. Imagine that. Yet even though he was perfect, people hated Him so much that they wanted Him dead. They tried to find a way to have Him killed any chance they could get. When it was time for Jesus to die for us, he could have done so many things to stop it. If he wanted to, he probably could have snapped His fingers and stopped His gruesome death or just asked God to take him down. He didn’t though. He chose to die, hung from a cross, because he loved you and I that much. It wasn’t about Him. It was for us. I’ll say it again… there was no hesitation. That’s insane and hard to wrap my mind around. I don’t know about you, but if you asked me to die on a cross in the way Jesus did, it would take a lot of thinking, and even then, I’m not sure I could handle it.

Jesus’ love here on Earth wasn’t about loving the temporary things of this world. It was/is an everlasting and eternal love. There are people in my life, and I am sure in yours too if you dig a little bit that know this type of love. I have been loved on a different level by some individuals who I would come to find out were followers of Jesus. 

In the book of 1 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul, who’s life was completely transformed by Jesus (he literally went from killing Christians to spreading the gospel and writing half of the new testament), very clearly defines love. He writes this description of love coming from a place that is all about loving God and then loving others well. (Jesus in John 13:34-35 says “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love to one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”) 

Paul says:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails

Paul’s definition of love makes it so clear as to what love looks like. It just doesn’t seem that easy. As I have been learning more about the life of Jesus and reflecting on this kind of love, I have realized that I have had the most incredible example of what it looks like to love like Jesus. She is a former boss/friend/and a mentor to me. Her name is Alex. I like to call her Alexandra just to bug her. I don’t recommend it ;) Alex makes loving other people look effortless. In order to show you that it is possible to practically live out these 1 Corinthians verses, I would like to break these verses down and give practical examples of the ways Alex has loved me. Hopefully, this will help show you, like it has for me, that it really is the smallest of things that have the biggest impact on others.

Love is patient.

She knows some days I am not going to be laughing, loud, and energetic. She knows how my anxiety creates large hurdles in my life. She is patient with me. She has let me lay on her office floor and cry or stacked binders on me to weigh me down because it settles the anxiety. She sits and listens when she definitely has other things to do, and she has never once rushed me in order to get her things done. When I am worried that she is mad at me, because she may have said something very bluntly or looked at me in a way that concerned me, she is patient. She will reassure me that she is not mad. She will let me call/text her any time I feel uncertain, so I won’t have to carry on with it on my mind. It isn’t always easy to be on the other side of me all the time. She has always been patient and listened to me so intently.

Love is kind.

This one is BIG. Because Alex has taken so much time to listen to me and learn who I am at my fullest, she knows almost all the things that make me anxious, as well as the things that fill me up. She has always spoken to me in a way that has made me feel heard, valued, and full of worth. Here’s an example. I just recently started and finished a new job working in an elementary school. She knew that I was supposed to start right after winter break ended. We had talked about it a while back, but just once. The day I was supposed to begin, she texts me and asks “Was today your first day?” I mean seriously, we had only talked about it once, weeks before this. I didn’t end up starting that day because of some things that needed to be worked out on HR’s end. I was hopeful that it would be the following Monday. That following Monday, I got a text that said, “Did you start today?” She has always taken the extra step out of kindness to let me know she cares. Another example - she knows that most of the time I won’t believe someone, especially not her, if she says she misses me or that she loves me. I think part of it is because I think there is no way someone that amazing could love me that well. There was a day I had texted her telling her I missed seeing her face around the rec as often, since she recently got promoted. She texted me back saying “I miss you too! I mean it. You are welcome down any time.” She is reassuring all of the time. Her kindness towards me completely overflows from her heart. It’s like she’s superwoman.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.

She will be the last person to celebrate, or even acknowledge, all of the great things she does. She was six/seven months pregnant and moving tables from one side of the community center to the other to help someone set up an event. It’s her servant's heart. She is able to get things done quickly and effectively, yet her priority is always the person sitting on the other side of her.  Alex is the greatest example of putting other people before herself. If one of her staff was having a rough day, or going through something, she drops everything to listen to what is going on. I have seen it first hand with not only myself, but countless of my other coworkers. On the hardest of my hard days, all it takes is a text, “Can I come see you?” and she drops everything to find me or let me come to her office to listen/pour into me. 

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

I am one of those people that will think about my mistakes for hours on end. If I think there is a problem between me and someone else, it WILL keep me up at night. I make mistakes. They happen in all areas of my life, including work. Alex is always the last person to be “angry” by what I have or haven’t done, and that is, if she even gets angry. Most of the time she doesn’t. Then, once the problem has been solved, it’s erased. There is no filing cabinet full of things I have done wrong that she will reference later on. It’s as if I am washed clean. Here’s a silly example. I was the opening shift at camp one day, and we were starting at the local park nearby. Myself and one of my coworkers had to bring over a big cart full of different things we’d need while at the park, and one of them was a filled water jug. Here’s the thing. The kitchen floors at the community center were being redone, so we could not go in there to fill it with ice/water. We assumed that there would be a hose that we could fill it with at the park. So, we walked over with the empty jug. Guess what? No hose at the park. Now, our kids are left with no water, and there simply was not enough time to go back and fill the jug. Great… she was going to be so mad and I would never be able to live down the water jug. We contacted one of our coworkers to come get it on his way to work, fill it at the community center, and then bring it back to us. Once he had gotten back, word got around that Alex was confused as to why we had left without filling it in the first place. I genuinely thought that was it for me. Game over. She hates me. She’s mad, annoyed, all the things. I thought about it for the rest of the day. Finally, after it had eaten me alive, I texted her and asked to talk. She called me right away. A phone call… even better. She was about to tell me how annoyed she was about the jug and how irresponsible it was for me to not fill it. I answered, and she had literally forgotten it even happened. She was never once mad at me, and reassured me multiple times that she was not angry with me. There was no anger. No record of the wrong. While that is a small and silly example, that is how it is in all scenarios, big or small.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

When rumors arise, she is the first person to not assume what evil that is being said is true, but rather to ask for clarity/honesty. The truth is what she takes with her and believes. The gossip spiral is one she will never go down. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Alex has defended me in so many ways in both a work world and a personal world. We were working an event when someone had started to blame me for things out of my control and raise their voice at me. She was the first person to tell them that they were not allowed to talk to me that way. When she asks for clarification on something, she always trusts that it is the truth. When things aren’t easy in her own life, she is consistently hopeful and always perseveres through it. She is the strongest person I know. On her hardest days, she still loves others unlike any person I have ever met. Sitting on the other side of her, her perseverance and strength has encouraged me to find that within myself.

Love never fails.

Alex has never given up on me. She has never stopped loving me. Her love never fails.

Honestly, I am not even sure she knows she has loved me this well. This is just the smallest portion of things she has done for me. This is also just my story being on the other side of her. There are countless others who are impacted by how well she loves them. Because of Alex, I am encouraged to be strong in hardships. I am encouraged to brave change, knowing she always supports me and a faithful God is consistently teaching me through change. I don’t deserve the millions of ways she loves me, yet she freely gives it to me… all the time. Just like Jesus did for all of us. I now look at Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians and know it is truly attainable. It is real, and it works. People on the other side of Alex know they are loved. My life is forever changed because of her. She has saved my life. While Alex is just one example of what loving like Jesus well looks like, I know that everyone loves differently.

I hope that after reading this, you are encouraged to find your small ways that you can love others greatly. If you would call yourself a follower of Jesus, I hope you know that this is what you were called to do. 

Step One: get to know Jesus a little better. The more you learn about who He is and what He did, the clearer your roadmap to loving others gets. 

Step Two: Go do it. Take the time to listen. Look at Paul’s definition of love. Find one way you can love one person better. It’s doable. It isn't always easy, but it’s possible. 

Find your Alex. Be an Alex. 

The next chapter. Wow, something about change is so terrifying. I don’t know if it is for you too, but the thought of even the smallest changes make me want to scream “STOP!” and pause time. Literally, like I will lose my water bottle, and the thought of having to get a new one after I have had the old one for so long is so unsettling to me. The harsh reality is, life doesn’t stop moving, no matter how badly we want it to. New chapters begin all the time. You go to college, or maybe you don’t. You move away, or maybe you don’t. You make new friends, or maybe you don’t. But, life keeps going.

Over the past two years that I have been in college, I have learned how important it is to take care of yourself and seek God while doing so. The realities of this world are harsh. The world tells you that you must be perfect to succeed. The world tells you that you need to follow the template laid out: Go to a four year university, look back and say, “Wow, college is the best four years of my life!” The world tells you that you need to be a size triple zero and always look put together. Not that any of these things are inherently bad, it is just what society seems to tell us that we must achieve. The world tells us we need to suck it up. The struggles, the mountains you’ll have to climb, just get over it. It’s a harsh and daunting world sometimes if you walk through it alone.

I fell into the trap of what the world says we need to do. I had told myself that I needed to go to a big four year university, because it has been my dream forever, and that’s just what people do. I grew up going to Longhorn tailgates, surrounded by people who bleed orange, telling myself the big city had every opportunity I could ever imagine. After applying to the University of Texas, I thought there was no way I could possibly get into this school. They only take the top 6% of high school classes, and I sure as heck did not fall into that category. Sure enough, I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember exactly who I was with and where I was when I opened my email to see, “Welcome to the UT College of Education!” This was it. This was the moment I thought I had been waiting for my whole life. I could follow my dream! Little girl Teresa would be so proud of me. Little did she know, this dream entailed so much more than she thought. 

Starting at UT, I was so excited. This was it... the life I had always dreamt of. The parties, the tailgates, the D1 sports, the sorority, the title of being a Longhorn. From the outside, I am living the dream life. The thing is, they need some sort of warning label saying that this life isn't for everyone. 

While I have made friends I want to keep forever, loved being in a sorority, taken the most incredible classes, and explored the big city, I have laid in bed every night homesick and asking myself, "Who am I anymore?" I have found myself for the past two years placing my identity in what society says about me, my title, who my friends are, what I am doing. I have drained myself just trying to be who I am. If you know anything about me and how much I hate change, normally, I would just keep living life how it has been, hoping it would get better. Little did I know, God had so much more in store for me. All of this time I had been pushing and pushing my own agenda, begging God to let me be happy. Meanwhile, God was opening doors for me that I had no idea I would be walking through.

It was after a visit to another school for a basketball game that I realized the purpose God has for me wasn't what I was living right now. Every night at UT, I was anxious, homesick, lonely, and empty. I wasn't seeking God. I was discontent. I placed my happiness based on my circumstances and what people said about me. I told myself I can't be happy if this bad circumstance doesn't change or if this person doesn't ever like me again. I tried to get plugged in in any way I could. I tried Christian organizations, my sorority, parties, frats specifically, yet at the end of the week, I would lay in my bed crying about how empty I felt. Sitting in the stands at this school, seeing the joy in some of these people's eyes, knowing that Jesus overflowed in many of their hearts and lives allowed me to see God has been telling me in different ways that there is more this world has to offer. I left that night knowing God was knocking on my door, arms open wide, saying "Hold on kiddo. Trust me." 

The next day, I had listened to a pastor talk about how contentment is not found in others. It is not found in circumstances. Contentment is found in Jesus only. When you let someone or something take control of your emotions, you are making them a God. Our God is so much greater. God says so much more about who we are and what we are called to do. 

Galatians 1:10 says 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or the approval of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

No wonder I am so discontent. It was all placed on people and circumstances. God called me for more. What great news. The best is yet to come.

Philippians 4:11 says 

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Contentment is learned. I was learning that it comes from Jesus. God is going to meet my needs and plant me where I am supposed to be so that I can bloom. 

You know that verse, Philippians 4:13? It is the most well known verse in the Bible saying

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

It isn't about a selfish cry that we can accomplish anything in life. It is saying that you can endure all suffering and hardships, because it is Jesus Christ who gives us strength. Contentment is found in Christ alone. Knowing these truths has allowed me to trust God and His plan for me in these next steps.

I know that what people may say about my future plans has no weight on my identity. It should not make me discontent, because contentment comes from Jesus. This is when I decided that my mental health and the doors God has opened were far more important than what society says, what my friends might say, and the fear of change.

This means, I am leaving the University of Texas. I am sure it will shock a lot of the people who I have met and the people closest to me. By no means has this been an easy process, but after praying for weeks, I am confident God has opened doors elsewhere that allow me to serve His purpose for me in the best ways possible. The four years of college are a crazy period of growth for everyone. I want to encourage you to lean into what God says about you and listen to what He has in store for you. Be patient, because He is faithful. While it may have taken me a year and a half to figure out where I need to be to grow, here I am, excited for the new beginnings. 

I have learned so much about myself in this time. In Jesus, I am a new creation, made new. Accepting Jesus means that I am made new in the image of God. I am beautiful. Like seriously, I am beautiful. I don’t have to be a triple zero to be beautiful, because I am made in the image of God. I am forgiven. Forgiven for the mistakes I have made, currently make, and will make in the future. I am redeemed. My identity is not based on what I have done or will do, it is based on what has been freely done for me in Jesus. I am sealed. My identity is secure in God and it cannot be tampered with. I am rescued. It is the way we treat one another, our motivations in our hearts, and the words we speak that are the true reflection of Christ within our hearts. Nothing else. I am moved to a new safe home in Heaven that is so much greater than what's here on earth. My place in Heaven is being created for me right now. I am loved. The thing is, God's love is a different kind of love. It is an agape type love. Agape love is the highest form of love that only God can love us with. It is so great that we can't even begin to understand this kind of love. The English love we know is fleeting and circumstantial. God's love is not. I am received. God has handed us a personal invite and saved a seat at the table for us, already knowing the worst things we have ever done. In Jesus, I am chosen. The world tells us that we are unwanted and insignificant, but God has a greater purpose that we were chosen for. I am a child of God. Children have this ample willingness to learn. They live with open minds and open hearts and are willing to change if you lead them. They have a reliance on adults to love them and keep them safe. As a child of God, truly knowing and believing this, I am open minded to what God has in store in the future for me. My heart is open to allowing Him to guide me to love others better. I am willing to change, if it is to be more like Jesus. I want to learn more of who Jesus is, along with what God has called me here to do. I am reliant on God to continue to love me in the ways that I know He will and to keep me safe through all of the changes that are to come. 

The coolest thing about this though is that God says the exact same things about you, too. All of these things are true of you too. Jesus’ sacrifice was for you too.

 If you are still reading this, thank you. Thank you for reading into the bits and pieces of my life when you could be doing just about anything else. You are loved. Never forget it. Here’s to new beginnings!